Looking to get close again with your partner?
If you’re married or in a committed relationship, chances are good that you’ve already experienced periods of disconnection.
The early romance fades.
Communication breaks down.
Living together starts to feel more like room and board than sharing a life together.
The good news?
Couples counseling can help you reconnect in new and deeper ways.
A quick note before we dive in
Just so you know: Therapy Works
Research by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists shows that 90% of couples feel better emotionally after therapy.
An impressive success rate that demonstrates the effectiveness of quality couples counseling services
Table of Contents hide
- What Happens When Couples Lose Connection
- The Power of Couples Counseling Explained
- How Couples Counseling Strengthens Connection
- Communication Patterns That Kill Intimacy
- Types of Couples Counseling: Different Approaches
- Tips for Getting the Most From Couples Counseling
What Happens When Couples Lose Connection
It’s not a sudden break up. A magical “spark” that disappears.
Instead, intimacy with your partner typically deteriorates over time. Small shifts at first that gradually add up.
Couples who lose connection stop sharing details about their day. Date night is a thing of the past. Physical affection becomes more routine and less romantic. Conversations become more practical than emotional.
Over time, losing emotional closeness creates a gap between partners. And when one or both partners don’t take action to bridge that gap, it grows wider.
By the time most couples get help, couples wait up to six years after problems start. Which means resentment, communication breakdowns, and intimacy issues have been allowed to fester for quite some time.
The longer problems go unchecked, the harder it is to get back to a place of closeness. In some cases, early intervention by way of trustworthy couples counseling near you may head off relationship-threatening issues before they take hold. Getting help before things become severe can prevent erosion of trust, communication, and intimacy over the long term.
The Power of Couples Counseling Explained
Couples counseling isn’t magic. No therapist waves a wand and “fixes” your relationship.
Instead, quality couples counseling is a powerful tool that helps partners improve communication, resolve conflicts, and increase intimacy.
Why does it work?
Therapy creates a safe environment for couples to talk openly and honestly about their issues without fear of judgment or retaliation. A skilled therapist helps facilitate conversations that uncover underlying dynamics in the relationship.
Couples learn how to:
- identify patterns of behavior that are destructive
- express needs assertively rather than aggressively or passively
- truly listen to one another without immediately preparing a rebuttal
- restore trust after it has been damaged
- create new opportunities for connection
These are all skills that can be practiced and developed outside of therapy sessions. Which is why long-term improvements in the majority of couples who are committed to the work.
How Couples Counseling Strengthens Connection
Emotional intimacy is the key ingredient in any healthy relationship. When intimacy is lacking, a couple can coexist but not really connect in meaningful ways.
Therapy helps couples tune into each other emotionally again. To notice when your partner is struggling and offer support instead of criticism or dismissal.
Building emotional closeness again doesn’t require grand gestures. Daily rituals of connection. Simple, consistent moments that help rebuild intimacy over time. Counseling can help you learn to ask the right questions. To pause and listen instead of immediately launching into your own story.
Counseling can also help you design rituals of connection. Something as simple as ten minutes of connection every night, weekly date nights (no phones or computers allowed) or coffee in the morning before the day begins. Simple, but effective ways to prioritize closeness in everyday life.
Communication Patterns That Kill Intimacy
The problems couples have most commonly aren’t actually about the topic of discussion.
They’re about how partners respond to each other about the topic of discussion. Certain communication styles can seriously damage intimacy.
The 4 Relationship Killers
1. Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character flaws instead of the behavior that bothers you. Example: “You never listen to me” instead of “I felt unheard when you interrupted me during that conversation earlier.”
2. Defensiveness: Making excuses, justifying bad behavior or turning the other partners “attack” back on them instead of taking responsibility. This one shuts down conversation really quickly.
3. Contempt: Rolling your eyes. Sarcasm. Name calling. Any behavior that belittles or mocks your partner. This is the #1 predictor of divorce according to research.
4. Stonewalling: Tuning out. Shutting down. Giving the silent treatment. Responding to conflict by building walls instead of bridges.
Couples therapy can help you become aware of these patterns as they happen in real time. More importantly, it can help you learn how to respond in healthier ways when emotions are high. The goal isn’t to never argue. The goal is to argue in a way that brings you closer, not tears you apart.
Types of Couples Counseling: Different Approaches
Not all couples counseling is created equal.
Therapists use different methods to help partners. The most important thing is finding a therapist and approach that is a good fit for your relationship.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is centered on attachment and emotional bonding between partners. It’s about understanding the emotions that are driving conflicts and building more secure emotional connections.
The Gottman Method is an evidence-based approach developed by John and Julie Gottman. Based on decades of research, Gottman’s work focuses on practical skills and strategies to improve communication, build friendship and shared meaning in a relationship.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) focuses on how a couple’s thoughts and behaviors affect their relationship. It’s a solution-oriented approach that aims to help couples identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors.
Tips for Getting the Most From Couples Counseling
If you’re thinking about seeing a couples counselor, you’re probably already doing the right thing.
Walking through the door is step one.
But to get the most out of couples counseling, both partners need to be willing to show up and do the work. This means being honest, even when it’s difficult. The therapist can’t help with problems they don’t know about.
Stay curious about your partner’s perspective. Seek to understand, not to win arguments. Be open to feedback and willing to apologize when you are wrong. Complete the “homework” your therapist gives between sessions. This is your opportunity to practice the new skills when it counts.
Remember, progress isn’t linear.
Some sessions will be breakthrough moments. Others may feel like you’re spinning your wheels or going backwards. All normal. Keep showing up.
When to Know It’s Time to Seek Help From a Couples Therapist
Is it time for you and your partner?
Here are some common signs that a couple could benefit from professional help:
- You find yourselves having the same arguments over and over with no resolution
- You’ve stopped feeling like a couple and more like roommates
- You find it difficult to have conversations without it turning into an argument
- You’ve lost emotional or physical intimacy
- There is a lack of trust due to betrayal or broken promises
- A major life transition has brought on stress and uncertainty
- You have young children and find it hard to manage parenting stress
Seeking help isn’t a sign of failure. It’s a sign of commitment to your relationship. Don’t wait until things become critical to get help.
Summary: Rebuilding Connection in Your Relationship
Couple’s counseling services offer a proven solution to rebuild intimacy and connection in your relationship.
It’s not easy. It takes work. It requires commitment and vulnerability. But for couples who are both willing to do the work, the rewards are real and transformational.
Here are the takeaways for you and your partner:
- Couples counseling is most effective when problems are not so severe as to be intractable
- Not all therapists are equal. Find a qualified professional who specializes in couples work
- Both partners must be committed to the process for it to work
- Commit to practicing new skills consistently between sessions
- Stay the course. Progress isn’t linear. Some sessions will feel great. Others won’t. Don’t give up
Remember, rebuilding intimacy doesn’t happen overnight. But with effort and dedication, you can create deeper connection than you ever thought possible.
The first step is reaching out.