There’s a quiet belief sitting behind a lot of unhappy marriages.
It goes like this: it’s safer to stay than to leave. Because when you leave, you end up alone.
But that belief is built on a mix-up.
Loneliness and solitude are two entirely separate states of being. One is a condition. The other is an emotion. Many people experience one and never experience the other at all.
Here’s the part that catches people off guard:
Loneliest people in the world sleep next to someone each night.
True, the opposite can also be said. You can find someone who lives by themselves, eats dinner by themselves and spends entire weekends alone – and feels great about it.
That mistake costs a lot. It keeps a woman married to the husband she knew went bad ten years ago. It makes someone search their browser late at night: is it too late to get a divorce at 55? Is it too late at 63? At 70?
That fear is rarely about paperwork or lawyers. Below that anxiety lies a much simpler one — the fear of quiet rooms and empty weekends. If you’re wondering if it’s too late to divorce, you may want to read some unvarnished tales of how to rebuild life after divorce from people over 50 who have already done it. It’s messier. It’s slower. And most of all, it’s far more hopeful than you think.
It’s not that the question was ever if it was too late. It was if alone and lonely were synonyms.
They don’t.
Here’s what’s coming up:
- The Actual Difference Between Alone And Lonely
- Why A Marriage Certificate Protects Nobody
- Is It Too Late To Divorce, Or Just Too Late To Pretend?
- What Solitude Gives Back
- Simple Ways To Feel Less Lonely
The Actual Difference Between Alone And Lonely
Loneliness is measurable. Countable. Number of people in the home. Number of conversations this week.
Loneliness can’t be counted, because it was never about numbers.
Loneliness is the difference between desired and actual social connection. That difference can occur in an empty apartment or a crowded living room.
This helps explain an oddity in the data. About 40% of American adults now report feeling lonely, up from 35% back in 2010—and that’s despite the fact that people have become more contactable than at any point in human history. Everyone should have felt more connected than ever. Instead, people feel less connected than ever. More contact. Less connection.
The two get tangled up because they usually travel together:
- Living alone often means fewer conversations
- Fewer conversations often means less real connection
- Less connection often feels like loneliness
Often. Not always.
And that one word is doing an enormous amount of heavy lifting.
Why A Marriage Certificate Protects Nobody
Here’s what gets ignored in almost every conversation about staying together for company…
A shared address is not a cure for loneliness.
Loneliness within marriage is a unique taste. It is sitting silently across from one another at dinner and no one feels compelled to fill the quiet. Separate bedtimes nobody wanted but nobody complains. Recognizing that you had your last true conversation three years ago.
That scenario can be far worse than living alone. And there’s why. If you’re living alone and you’re lonely, the solution is simple. Go be around people. If you’re lonely sitting next to your spouse, the solution staring you right in the face is the person that should fix it.
Men experience this acutely. New data shows men are reporting loneliness more often than women now — 42% versus 37% — which reverses what most folks would believe. Most men funnel their entire social life through their marriage. Wife schedules the dinners. Wife remembers the birthdays. Wife maintains the friendships. Remove that and the calendar is wiped clean.
Yeah, that’s totally possible. But it’s remediable, and it’s VERY different from “leaving means never being loved again.”
Is It Too Late To Divorce, Or Just Too Late To Pretend?
Plenty of people have already answered this one.
The divorce rate among older adults continues to climb. In 2023, divorces among women aged 50 and older stood at 10.3 divorces per 1,000 married women. That’s up from 3.9 divorces per 1,000 in 1990 — which means divorces among older Americans have nearly tripled since then. Nearly four in ten people who got a divorce in the US are age 50 or older.
The blunt truth of “is it too late to divorce” is that thousands of people your age thought otherwise.
That is not an argument for divorce. Many marriages have lots of mileage in them and just require effort, counselling and truthfulness. The point is a narrower one:
The fear of loneliness is a terrible reason to make any decision this big.
It’s a horrible reason to stay. It’s just as horrible a reason to leave. If anyone’s trying to decide if it’s too late to divorce, they’re imagining two futures. Both futures will have some loneliness in them. The question is what kind of loneliness.
What Solitude Gives Back
Loneliness has a terrible reputation. Weird, when you think how many people end up enjoying it past the initial weeks.
Time Stops Being Negotiated
You don’t need to ask anyone what to make for dinner. No one moans about what’s on TV. Plans on the weekend go from bargaining to deciding.
Small stuff. It adds up fast.
Preferences Come Back
Thirty years of combined rulings and many folk honestly have no clue what they want. Solitude forces you to figure that out real fast. Some not so pleasantly. Old interests surface. New ones manifest seemingly from thin air.
The individuals who thrive following divorce after a long-term marriage view this time as information vs punishment.
Simple Ways To Feel Less Lonely
Connection is something you earn. It doesn’t just happen. And there’s usually less angst involved than you think.
Build A Bench, Not A Best Friend
You can’t bank on one person to hold your whole social life. That’s how long term marriages get snared. Cultivate five or six acquaintances. The friend you walk with. The neighbour. The cousin who always answers her phone.
Put It In The Calendar
Loneliness thrives on “we should catch up sometime.” Recurring beats spontaneous:
- A standing coffee every Tuesday
- A monthly dinner with the same four people
- A class that meets at a fixed hour
Do Things Beside People
Connection requires something to grab hold of. Volunteering organizations, choirs, running clubs, evening classes – wherever people talk across rather than at each other.
Bringing It All Together
Loneliness and solitude are not the same. Solitude is a state of being. Loneliness is a feeling. Sometimes they go together, but if you conflate them it will only lead to poor choices.
A quick recap:
- Loneliness is the gap between wanted connection and actual connection
- That gap can exist inside a marriage just as easily as outside one
- Living alone and feeling lonely are not automatically linked
- Solitude, handled well, gives back time and self-knowledge
- Connection is built through repetition, not luck
If someone is asking themselves if it is too late to divorce, they deserve a better question than fear will give them. Not “will I end up alone?” But “where is the connection in life going to come from, and does the current situation enable or hinder it?”
Answer that honestly. The rest gets a lot clearer.